Asking Eric: Retired friends disappear from life
Dear Eric Over the past limited years more and more of my long-time friends have vanished from my life One sent a message reading I am retired and when solicited how she was enjoying her retirement sent the same message repeatedly as her reply One petitioned me to vacation with her and when I replied enthusiastically never contacted me for a long time only to send a bizarre meme two years later The latest was a woman I walk with occasionally She began screaming at passers-by one morning and walked off She did send me a message later saying you were upset I replied that I was worried about her and haven t heard from her since Now I have no friends We are all retirement age Are they descending into mental ill-health as a effect of the pandemic or is it me Am I running folks off because I am being inappropriate somehow Baffled Friend Dear Friend This might be a perfect storm of multiple factors It s achievable that chosen of your friends are experiencing mental strength struggles while others are going through age-appropriate changes in their maximum for social engagement and you re bearing the brunt of all of it As folks get older and their priorities shift it s common for several friendships to fade However bigger shifts in personality or resource levels can indicate a challenge like depression or cognitive issues So that s something to look out for Part of this may be a communication issue You received rather abrupt texts from your retired friend and the friend with the meme It s hard to read tone or intention over text sometimes A call might be helpful in clarifying where you stand It s also a good idea to get an outside eye on how you re coming across and how you re approaching friendship from a loved one or a counselor You don t need to get too deep into it if you don t want to but a gut check or a simple am I missing something will put your mind at ease regarding the appropriateness of your behavior Despite what s going on with your friends I hope you re taking strategies to avoid loneliness which can be a major challenge for a lot of seniors Consider exploring the programs options at a senior center or other society organization You ll find people who are in similar states of transition in their friendships and people who are interested in investing time in building new relationships Dear Eric My cousin and his second wife moved to the small town where I live She has everything going for her yet she can t seem to stop complaining My cousin urged sought me to befriend her so she ll be happier here When we get together which is frequently I am stuck listening to her complain and complain For example she in recent months groused about a cruise they re going on to celebrate a family wedding to which I was not invited But there I sat absorbing her beefs about the other guests my relatives mind you and the itinerary she s been lucky enough to have already visited Meanwhile my cousin stared at his phone and didn t say anything It feels like in trying to become her friend I ve become her dumping ground instead She s an anxious person so I understand that airing her griefs might be her way of processing anxiety But I m not a therapist so I lack the skills or script to shift her focus It s starting to feel like this dynamic is the price of admission to see my cousin My husband s no help plus she doesn t do this to him I m running out of ideas and patience So I wonder what would you do in my shoes Dumped On Dear Dumped On What you re doing for your cousin and his wife is very nice But niceness has its limits and I think you re just about there Friendship is a two-way street but if she s littering it with complaints you ve got to take a detour You can be direct in the moment by saying something like I m sorry you re going through this Can we change the subject to something more positive It ll help both of our moods Related Articles Asking Eric Parents ashamed of children who won t adult Asking Eric Daughter s volatile responses make relationship formidable Asking Eric Mother struggles to accommodate daughter s veganism Asking Eric Sibling took inheritance now she wants sister to carry a child for her Asking Eric Husband consistently in locked bathroom You can even interrupt your time together by excusing yourself or cutting the visit short when you ve had enough Being your cousin s wife s friend doesn t necessarily mean that you have to give her an unlimited amount of your time and power You might even consider getting together less frequently I know you want to see your cousin but if your time is being monopolized by his wife how much quality time are you getting anyway She s hyper-focused on the negative you can be hyper-focused on creating parameters for this relationship Decide in advance how much time you ll commit to complaints and when it s up skedaddle Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly 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